Getting to a good level of communication with my kids took some self reflection and has had it’s growing pains. As with anything worthwhile, we get to the next level in our own thinking by re-examining our existing thought patterns, gathering new knowledge, and some basic hard work.
Whack A Mole
In my own personal growth, many times I feel like an unwilling participant in a flurried session of Whack-A-Mole! The arcade game.
This player is an expert and whacking moles is what he does! Getting whacked over and over does three things well; it makes your head hurt, gives you a renewed sense of urgency, and instills a strong conviction not to do this again!
Properly motivated now, the story moves on…
I did what I always do when life gets rough and I feel a little whacked.
I went to the local Barnes and Noble bookstore – with the connected Starbucks cafe. A girls gotta get a good cup of coffee and unwind sometimes!
Books
I walk in, find the section that has the kind of book I want, and I start scanning. I look at the books, pulling a couple out so I can read the inner sleeve and back cover.
Interesting?
Goes in the pile to the right.
Boring?
Goes back on the shelf.
This goes on until I have a pile of books — the maximum I can carry across
the bookstore to the Barnes & Noble cafe.
In the cafe, I get a large cup of coffee as I prepare to read the first three pages of each of the fifteen books I just carted across the bookstore like a true geek.
The total time spent on this expedition? Usually about three hours.
Information
Yes, I could talk to a friend or family, but many times it’s just easier to go find your own answers!
I like books when I want to get another person’s perspective, preferably someone who a) is not a crazy and b) someone who knows the subject matter. It’s not easy to find a good author with something meaningful to say when you need it!
I was searching for a book that would help motivate me and not a bull-sh*t filled book that would make me feel warm and fuzzy. I need someone to tell me like it is, not someone telling me what I want to hear in five easy steps.
Life Strategies
A book that really helped me change my thinking was “Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters” by Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D. If you’re thinking, “Is that Dr. Phil”? You are right, it is Dr. Phil. I’ve heard several people say they don’t like him and his tv show, I don’t get a chance to watch it, so I don’t know. I will say however that I found a ton of value in this particular book!
Phillip M: “Most people cheat themselves by not asking themselves the hard questions, not facing their true personality and behavior, and therefore not addressing the nitty-gritty issues undermining their efforts to succeed.”
Vicky H: Ouch! Hate it when people do that.
Phillip M: “You are accountable for your life. Good or bad, successful or unsuccessful, happy or sad, fair of unfair, you own your life! If you are not happy, you are accountable. Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating the results that are your life. Lean how to choose better so you have better.”
Vicky H: Ouch! This was almost worse then participating in a whack-a-mole game.
Phillip M: “Whatever your life circumstances, accept that you can no longer dodge the responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is.
Taking responsibility doesn’t just mean giving “lip service” to being accountable by saying “Okay, I’m accountable”. If you don’t accept accountability, you will misdiagnose every problem you have. If you misdiagnose, you will mistreat. If you mistreat, you won’t get better, plain and simple.”
Vicky H: [ I keep reading...]
Phillip M: “Adopt an attitude of questioning and challenging everything in your life that you can identify as being accepted on blind faith or as having been adopted out of tradition or history. Consider patterns in your personal, professional, family, and social areas.
You will be surprised at how much of your life involves patterns where you do things in a certain way simply because someone else who didn’t know any more than you, did them that way. You will, of course, find certain things that withstand the challenge and therefore should be embraced. You will also identity things that do not withstand the challenge and therefore should be modified or abandoned.”
Our brains love micro-processing. Our brain wants to be efficient. It wants to find the answer, file the thought away and move on to the next thought.
Reusing our previous decisions over and over is quick, but does it serve us well? In my personal case, no. After spending the better part of a year giving my thoughts and their patterns a makeover, I think I made a huge leap forward — and from that point I’ve never looked back.
Ways I Have Changed
After learning this, I don’t take as many things for granted and I try to put myself in the other persons shoes more. Thinking differently is now getting me different results. I can now see many of these patterns in advance and I consciously re-evaluate their need to exist.
In the pre-teen and teen years children start the transformation towards defining their individuality. Reevaluating my own values and choices makes me realize how much I have changed over the years.
This has helped me to understand my kids changing and to appreciate, love, and embrace their uniqueness for both their god given gifts, as well as their shortcomings.
Sensible pondering is much more zen than being whacked like a mole.
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Table of contents for Life Strategies
- Life Strategy: Finding What Works (Part 1)
- Life Strategy: R U Living Or Merely Existing (Part 2)
